So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The air was thick with penises
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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