Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I supernannyed him into submission
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