I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
