I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
