If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The Olympian is in my bed
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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