he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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