You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
