I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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