How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
