He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
