Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
