Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
