Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You're like the curious george of whores
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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