8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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