he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
