you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's shark week go big or go home
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
