I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
