frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
