at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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