I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
as a side note pls kill me
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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