I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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