So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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