Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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