my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
