then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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