So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
