dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
