My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
