dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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