I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
