you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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