I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
