be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
