It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
