If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
