Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Also, beer. Big fan.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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