my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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