Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We just shotgunned beers for America
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
