found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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