I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
