Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
