The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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