Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
