when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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