Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Life is so much better after having sex.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
