Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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