I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
