Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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