The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize