my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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