I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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