you have to choose: penises or morals?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
