oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize