I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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