I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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