She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
