Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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