i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
