for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
