i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
