I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
