My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
